Pretty Maids All in a Row (1971)
- 11 hours ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 9 hours ago
55 years ago, Gene Roddenberry, the creator of "Star Trek" wrote the screenplay for an MGM sexploitation comedy/mystery. Roddenberry may have been out of work, but I would have never guessed he wrote this taboo breaking, goofy, sexy comedy.
PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW stars Rock Hudson (a long way from Doris Day and "Pillow Talk" here) as high school football coach Tiger.
Whenever Tiger turns on that red neon TESTING sign above his locked door, he's supposed to be testing students. But he's actually bedding an endless line up of high school girls, played by a bevy of gorgeous, obviously-of-age young women. Student body indeed.
Very much of its time in the early 70's, the nudity is frequent and anything but shy. Playboy famously did an article (with lots of photos) entitled "Roger Vadim's Pretty Maids." Vadim directed the film as his follow up to the 1968 sex farce "Barbarella", a huge hit starring his then wife, Jane Fonda.
By 1971, he and Fonda were separated and his mistress recommended Hudson for the role.
The gorgeous students of Oceanfront High put student Ponce de Leon Harper, played by an actor with an equally long name in his film debut, John David Carson, into a stupor. He's too shy to get laid, and has a hard time standing up to go to the blackboard due to his constant state of high alert. When he escapes to the boys bathroom, he finds a recently murdered young woman, much to the concern of Principal, fussily played by Roddy McDowell.
Detective Surcher, a fan of Tiger's football team arrives on scene, played by Telly Savalas with all the wit of his famous TV detective Kojak, without the lollipop. Savalas has a very unique way of holding a cigarette that I first noticed when he played Blofeld in OO7's "Oh Her Majesty's Secret Service". He's got the same approach here, which made me laugh in its eccentricity. In many of his scenes, the way he held his cigarette is the most interesting thing happening on screen.
Local yokel Sheriff Poldaski (Keenan Wynn) is the most inept lawman since Barney Fife and Savalas just keeps sending him outside to direct traffic.
Tiger is committed to getting substitute teacher Miss Smith, played by Angie Dickenson (Dressed to Kill) to teach Ponce the ways of the bedroom. Any subject of the being a bad idea is never addressed. What planet did Roddenberry set thing thing in?
The film becomes a loop of Tiger banging a hot student, Ponce fumbling his way to fourth base and gorgeous students turning up as hot corpses all over campus.
Hudson seems to be having a very good time embracing the groovy early 70's as the coach with unrelenting libido and an endless stable of repeat partners.
James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek) even shows up as Surcher's loyal law sidekick.
Modern audiences are likely going to really struggle with the free love and sexuality of 1971. Vadim didn't care then and he wouldn't care now, he always wanted to bust through what he thought of as American's puritanical attitudes toward sex.
There is very little mystery around who the killer is, I'm not even sure that Roddenberry was trying to hide it. This is the only screenplay he ever wrote.
Based on this one, its fairly easy to see why.
Joe Namath was originally considered for the role of Tiger, that would have been great casting!
Just when you think It cant get any stranger, The Osmonds start singing the main title and return for the end title Theme Song. I can only assume that Mom and Dad Osmond did not see this movie or the script in advance. Those boys would not have been singing a note.
As a bizarre, one-off relic from Roddenberry, its fascinating. As a movie, it's too goofy to be anything but a throwaway. All those Pretty Maids notwithstanding, it gets a D. Or a double D....but I digress....
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