Predator: Badlands

The last two Predator films from Dan Trachtenberg have been imaginative, thrilling fresh takes that breathed real life into the series.

So what in the hell happened with the silly, soft, Disneyfied and stupid PREDATOR: BADLANDS? This is the "Return of the Jedi" of the canon. It's so touch feely that I kept waiting for the Ewoks to show up and really put in the toilet. Oh wait, yep, there it is, a little baby creature that comes along for the adventure! Whoopeeee!

Schwarzenegger's Dutch is rolling over in his grave. I was excited to see this one and I hated this movie.

Let's talk about why.

Trachtenberg's first Predator entry was "Prey", a stylish, clever and great looking R-Rated movie that plopped our alien Predator down into the Comanche nation of many years ago. Brilliant, fast paced and packed with bloody action.

Last year, he delivered an animated take, "Killer of Killers", a brilliant anthology of tales across many cultures and historic times where the Predator interacted with the human species. Visually killer, violent, R rated and eye popping from beginning to end.

So, hey, this time, let's make a much softer version, because it worked so well to make James Bond a sweater wearing PTA Dad in the worthless last half of "No Time To Die". It's no wonder OO7 died in that one, he was probably ashamed of himself and invited the missiles to that cliff top.

This time out, we meet a young Predator with serious Daddy issues who's thrown out of his house (planet) and off to a super dangerous planet to kill an un-killable creature.

That planet looks cool, the production design and effects are pretty great. But how much greater would it be if we had a true Predator battling this land in the quest for the biggest, baddest creature in the universe? Think Perseus against the Kraken kind of storytelling. Great!

Nope, we get mopey self-doubting Predator dude, who I can only assume would be better as a depressed barista in PREDATOR: STARBUCKS.

He's given a WAY too happy sidekick in the top half (a waist up scrap of a robot) of a Weyland Yutani synth named Thia. She is the C-3PO of this happy little Disney adventure, the Lilo to our fanged Stitch. Asking a relentless series of questions and joyous about everything, after ten minutes, I was wishing our Emo alien had found only her legs.

Elle Fanning is okay, she's better as the alter ego of Thia, a bad ass android who is the only character of interest, sadly cursed with little screen time.

By the time the cute little baby creature started hanging around, the PG-13 rating was really starting to sink in. Is this a Predator movie, or is there going to be a stand in the lobby selling plush versions of these weak replicas of a recently great film series?

Trachtenberg, what happened? Your first two films were so GREAT! Was this a mandatory deal with Fox (now owned by Disney) for a family film version???

You're better than this.

And why introduce Weyland Yutani and all of it's legendary lore in the ALIEN series and then do absolutely nothing with it? Fans of Aliens get a glimpse of a bit of iconic machinery that does nothing for us beyond reminding us of far better films while trying to slog through this overlong mess.

Oh yes, I should mention that the Predator talks a lot in an updated Klingon dialogue and his name is Dek. I don't remember Schwarzenegger having time to introduce himself in the original, but I do remember some of the best action scenes in action film history.

Why do we care what his name is or his family history?

Maybe they should have included some scenes with Dak in therapy for his Daddy issues to make sure the target audience found their safe space.

WTF.

PREDATOR: BADLANDS is 100% Mickey Mouse hot garbage and gets a smoldering, stinking F.