Keeper

Is it time to tell Osgood Perkins to take a break? That we don't need a new OP film every 9 months? I loved last year's "Longlegs" and his crazy adaption of King's "The Monkey" earlier this year.

I went into his new film KEEPER anticipating more Osgood creativity.

Mistaking repetition for storytelling, Perkins creates a boring slog that goes on forever. It feels like he's going for something Lynch-ian like "Mulholland Drive" but sadly, he creates his own "Eraserhead", a dull, excruciatingly boring tale that only an art house insomniac could love.

It's a waste of a good cast.

Tatiana Maslany (Orphan Black, The Monkey) is believable as Liz, a woman who's been in a relationship with her new boyfriend Malcolm for about a month. He seems too good to be true. She is about to leave for a long weekend at his cabin in the secluded woods (insert sinister music here).

Is he secretly married and she's just a fling? Can anyone really be this perfect?

Malcolm (Rossif Sutherland from ABC's "Murder in a Small Town") seems calm, appreciative and truly in love with Liz. A doctor, Malcolm gets called away for a few hours to a patient emerging from a coma.

When he heads into the city, things in the cabin get strange quickly.

Perkins seems more committed to making you jump out of your seat with cheap jump scares and flashes of horror, accompanied by loud, shrieking music, than in creating any real tension.

The jump scares startle the hell out of you, but they pass quickly, leaving you stuck with Liz in a big ass cabin for what seems like a real-time, long afternoon.

There are mysterious clues, the weirdest chocolate cake since "The Help" and enough dreams and whispers through the air vents to make anyone put a For Sale sign on this place.

Things perk up a bit when Malcolm's relative who lives next door pops by one late night with a gorgeous Russian model, who says nothing. Darren (Birkett Turton) is obnoxious, sexist and rude, the ultimate late night, intrusive pop in.

Once we get to that cabin, we're stuck right along with Liz.

For what seems like an eternity.

I almost walked out several times, but as a fan of Perkins other works, I was determined to see what he was building up to; what was the point?

Well, the good news is that the final 25 minutes definitely perks up, "The Sentinel" style, as everything that's been lurking manifests itself around Liz. The bad news is that Perkins resorts to the old "this whole thing is so dull, confusing and self important, that I'm going to have a main character explain the entire plot" device.

This is the deadly curse of aspirational horror films.

Ari Aster's "Hereditary" is one of my Top 10 horror favorites of my lifetime, but it's damn near ruined by the final ten minutes that stoops to the same device that Perkins uses here.

Speaking of Ari Aster, there was a long, long passage in the middle of this film that reminded me of Aster's "Beau is Afraid", one of the most boring films I ever completed. When I'm staring at the screen comparing boredom levels, suffice to say that you've failed to engage me.

It's saved from an F grade by some truly inspired creature work in that final basement scene that blew me away. It's original, startling and creative. Too little, too late.

KEEPER is anything but, slowly creeping and crawling it's way to a disappointing D.