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Hotel Artemis


Hmmm....I know what 2018's HOTEL ARTEMIS wants to be. It wants to be Tarantino, sprinkled with a bit of "The Purge" and then shaken & stirred with a generous pour of "John Wick".

Alas, it's none of those things.

Jodie Foster dumps her vanity and hides behind old lady makeup as The Nurse, the gatekeeper and manager of a well hidden hotel in a near future Los Angeles.

It's a haven for wealthy, members-only hitmen (calling John Wick?) and sordid law breakers of the successful variety.

Checking in on our evening is "This is Us"s Sterling K. Brown as Waikiki, a bank robber with a greedy and wounded brother cleverly (?) named Waikiki.

Guests also include the gorgeously lethal Sofia Boutella (The Mummy) as Nice, Jenny Slate as a police officer seeking refuge who's been wounded in the massive riots heading toward the hotel and Jeff Goldblum as The Wolf King, the crime kingpin and owner of the Artemis. He's inbound and looking for $18 million in stolen jewels in the possession of one of the guests. Poor Zachary Quinto (Star Trek) is completely wasted as Goldblum's attention starved, raving lunatic son. I felt bad for him within 3 minutes of screen time.

Dave Bautista (Guardians of the Galaxy) rounds out the cast as The Nurse's right hand brute named Everest.

Like the mountain..haha...get it? If you don't, no need to worry, the screenplay will beat you over the head with it.

Writer/Director Drew Pearce has written some very good films (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation for one) but his first time in the director chair shows him over his head.

He pours on so many elements you've seen in better films, none of them coalescing into anything you can invest in.

The dialogue is dull, the action is sporadic at best and even the usually reliable Charlie Day is forced into a character so unlikable that you hope he dies first.

Do yourself a favor when you see Hotel Artemis. Keep driving and head to your next possible stop. There's nothing to see here but dull imitations of much better films.

Snooze. Hotel Artemis gets a C-. Only Goldblum and Boutella are worth a glance. Pearce gets a lot of credit for getting this cast to sign up, too bad he gave them nothing to do when they checked in.

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